The Way I See It
by Hollis Wormsby, Jr.
Three Phrases That Will Tell You About Your Relationship
The Valentine’s Day season is upon us, and it is time that we all find creative ways to express our love. Or so the calendar says. I have never been a big fan of Valentine’s Day, to me it is one of the most superficial days of the year. Ok now on command, all of you go out to a store and buy a bunch of stuff that says I love you. This simply does not work for me.
But to the extent it is here. let us make good use of its presence. I would like to offer a few words of advice to young couples who might be struggling as we approach this Valentine’s Day season. Note these words are not for married couples or for couples who are sharing in the raising of children. These words are for people in a relationship where the decision to be long term has not yet been made.
There are three phrases that I believe can make a tremendous difference when a couple is going through a rough time. The phrases are: I am sorry; I appreciate you; and what can I do to make it better.
Let’s look at these one at a time.
If you have done something to hurt someone the first step in getting past it, is to look at that person and meaningfully say that you are sorry. I don’t mean one of those, “I am sorry you feel that way about it” type of apologies. To me that type of apology is worse than no apology, because the real inference is they have done nothing wrong, they are not sorry for what they did, they are sorry for the way you feel about it. If you want the relationship to go forward have the self-esteem to truly step up to the plate and own your action. Try saying, “I am sorry. I know what I did hurt you, and that was not my intent. I would like a chance to make it up to you.” And I would add, to those of you who have not made the commitment, if you cannot do this, you probably don’t really want to be with this person.
The next phrase is, “I appreciate you.” Most of us, when we get mad at someone, want to do everything we can to make them feel like nothing. We will use phrases, like you are the worst whatever, ever. This is not an engaging strategy, it is a turn for the other person’s defensive strategy. And the sad thing about being in a relationship with someone is we know what their red buttons are, and how to get to them. When we face challenges in relationships that are worth saving we have to overcome the desire to strike the first blow, and move to a place of communicating. Your mate may have faults, and you may be able to describe them, but they must also have something that you appreciate that attracted you to them in the first place. So in bad times, even if you have to discuss what is wrong, always remember to take the time to let the other person know, that I may be upset but I still appreciate you and what you do. Remember a relationship is not just about whatever made you mad, it is also about what made you get together in the first place.
And finally, when we are angry at someone we often get to the point of what I call ultimatum arguing. Ultimatum arguing is where after you have told a person how worthless they are, you give them one last chance to save the relationship by doing everything your way. So the relationship becomes a one way street, your partner can change who they are and become what you want, or go to hell. I believe that a better approach is to say to the person here are the problems we have and here is what I am willing to do to try and do better. This leaves the other person a more dignified place to look for compromise from.
For those of you who have children together, in the absence of abuse or violence I think you have to ask yourself this question. It is already true that only about 20 percent of Black children are being raised in two parent households. Do you want your children to be a part of the 80 percent? If you care enough to say no, then you put yourself second and stay there and take care of your children. The moral of this story is forever is a long time, choose wisely.
And that is also the moral of the story for young couples reading this that have not yet made the commitment and that might be experiencing some difficulties. Please do not let some flowers and some candy, allow you to ease on down the road and pretend your relationship will be alright. Go through the three phrases above with each other and you will either find new ground to build on, or discover that maybe separate grounds may be in order.
Or at least that’s the way I see it.
For those of you reading this on my Facebook page here are two music links that add context to this column. First of all for my young unmarried readers, here is a link to a Millie Jackson classic, “If You’re Not Back in Love By Monday.” And for my married readers that might be going through some travails on this Valentine’s Day season, here is an old Johnnie Taylor classic, “It’s Cheaper to Keep Her.” Happy Valentine’s Day one and all.
Millie Jackson, Back in Love By Monday
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxA92NBYu1Q
Johnnie Taylor, Cheaper to Keep Her
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxA92NBYu1Q
(Do you have a question or comment on this column? Look me up on Facebook/HollisWormsby or email me at hjwormsby@aol.com.)
